Somewhere there's a painting of me that looks like shit

Don't get me wrong - I don't mind the stuff of pith and moment so long as you can wash it down with a decent wine after. It's just that it shows up at the most inappropriate moments, like when someone ruins a restful Sunday brunch by gnashing their teeth and beating their chest over a corner of the world that still hasn't discovered indoor plumbing. It's a thoughtless thing to do - everyone knows you can't expect fortitude at least until your second cup of coffee. It isn't that I'm callous. I know what suffering is - I have been known to weep uncontrollably at bad soups and an inconsiderate friend once bled all over a jacket I was emotionally involved with, but you won't catch me going around giving other people indigestion over it.

I have some other quite adequate qualities too - I'm generous (you've probably seen my collection of squirrels that I keep scattered around the city to be enjoyed by one and all). I'm patient (I don't poke tourists that stop dead in front of me). I'm kind (I talk to people who have the sartorial sensibility of an easter egg.)

I've held all kinds of jobs from tracking tigers in the wild to writing software (the unfortunate result of a misspent youth). In my more callow days I was known to battle dragons for a mere glance and hold the cave door open for sundry damsels with my one good arm. I would climb a tree risking life and iPod to pick the apple my mistress desired best. This was before I realised that supermarkets existed and dragons didn't.

I'm looking for someone who doesn't throw sharp objects at me. The ability to attract magnets with your head, though a rare talent, is a bit of a turn-off for me. If you spend countless hours watching self-conciously bad entertainment like Troma movies, or enjoy other forms of self-flagellation, we probably won't get along very well. Although I like Linda Goodman just as much as any guy with a hole in his head, it wouldn't work out between us if you use it not so much as a doorstop but as a bill of lading. I am perfectly happy to accept Cosmo quizzes as a substitute for maturity if your face also happens to be on the cover.

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