How to Hack it in New York City I

As a handyman, I am often asked, "What the heck were you thinking?!?" And the answer is, "It depends."

The life of a handyman is terribly fraught. Your martinis keep getting dirty. Your tuxedo shirt fronts keep getting ruffled and you can't keep your pant legs from flaring around your ankles.

So I finally decided to hang up my champagne stirrer and get a Hack license.

Hack licenses in New York City are overseen by the Taxi and Limousine Commission.  The TLC is responsible for such innovations as a plastic partition in taxicabs to stop bullets and the Taxi Lockbox system which resulted in the entire cab being pinched when thieves realized they couldn't get at the cash.

Preparing the Paperwork

The TLC has it's own pages on the nyc.gov website that tell you everything you need to know about how absolutely lovely the Mayor and the TLC Commissioner are. They also have a wealth of confusing checklists and instructions on how to go about getting your license. Here is what you really need to start with -

• Pubes (You need to be at least 19 years old).
• A duly completed license application form
• A medical fitness certificate signed and stamped by your doctor. Can't be older than 6 months.
• A child support declaration that they don't tell you about anywhere on the site
• You must complete this whether you have children or not 
• It must be notarized by a public notary
• A DMV chauffeur's driving license. 
• In New York, this means you have to have a Class E license. A regular driver's license is a Class D license. All you have to do is go to a DMV Office. Fill out form mv44 before you get there (and bring your drivers license with you) or a sour-faced lady will make you stand in line twice, once to get the form and the second time to get a service ticket. 
• You don't have to do anything apart from filling out the form and paying the additional fee. The fee depends on when your license expires. It costs ~ $110 for a new license but they give you credit for the fees you paid on your current license. 
• You will need to wait for the license to arrive in the mail. The TLC does not accept probationary or temporary licenses
• If your current address is not on the license, you should correct that too or the TLC will ask for proof of address which is a utility bill in your name, no older than 30 days
• If you got your face tattooed or your ear bitten off since the picture on your license was taken, get a new picture taken or the TLC will probably reject your application. 
• Your drivers license can be from New York, New Jersey, Connecticut or Pennsylvania as long as it is a chauffeur-class license
• If your license is not from New York, you'll also need to bring a certified abstract of your driver record from your state DMV and it shouldn't be older than 30 days
• Your original Social Security Card. No copies or laminates.
• Proof of a NY state-approved 6-hour defensive driving course taken in the last 6 months. More about this later
• I did this online with the New York Safety Program but you can use any of the ones listed on the NY DMV site or do a classroom course. If you do it online you can do it over a few days.
• If you do the course online, you have to wait for them to send you the original certificate of completion. The TLC will not accept e-mail confirmations.
• No unpaid tickets. TLC check your DMV record and will reject your application if you have unpaid fines.
• You'll also need to pay them $84 for the pleasure. You can use a credit card or bring a money order payable to 'NYC Taxi and Limousine Commission'

The Online Defensive Driving Course

The 6-hour Defensive Driving Course or DDC (it's really 320 minutes) is also referred to as the Point Insurance Reduction Program (PIRP). You have to be physically present for the whole duration to be certified. However the state has also licensed some online course providers to offer what they cleverly call I-PIRP courses. The online course has the same requirement as the classroom course, i.e. that you have to be physically present the whole time and it cannot be less than 320 minutes. 

I took my course with the New York Safety Program which, in spite of its ambitious title is really just one of many course providers licensed by New York State. The online course costs $50. They also offer classroom courses but if you're going to do a classroom course, I recommend LaGuardia Community College. They have a whole department dedicated to Cabbie education.

A webcam is required to take the online course. Before you begin the course, you need to photograph or scan your driver's license and upload it on their site. They then take a reference photograph of you with the webcam, which an Oompa-Loompa somewhere then compares with your drivers license. You'll only hear from them if there's a problem. You can start the course immediately. 

You're forced to spend a predetermined amount of time on each screen before they allow you to move to the next screen. There are rules, scenarios and short films that you then have to answer questions on. From time-to-time the camera will come on and make you take a photograph. It's straightforward stuff really and I ran through it over a couple of days.

I paid for expedited delivery and the certificate was couriered to me in a couple of days. Completion notice is also sent automatically to the NYS DMV.

The TLC requires drivers to take the DDC every 3 years. 

Submitting the Application

After you get all your paperwork together, you have to go hand it in to the TLC in person since they photograph you when you apply (this is the photo that goes on your hack license). There is only really one place you can go to hand it in and that's in Long Island City in Queens. It's near the 33rd St. stop on the 7 train and the Court Square stop on the G train (you have to walk a bit if you take the G). They have another office in Staten Island where they accept applications but you have to make an appointment ahead of time to go there.

I went there in the afternoon, with my injured teenage daughter in tow. She was a model of Patience. The TLC isn't the best vacation spot for a teenager with a busted knee. I'm not exactly sure how long it took us, but the charge on my iPhone battery went from 95% to 26% in the time we were there.

Most of the customers at the TLC offices seem very angry (as opposed to the sense of patient suffering and resignation that seems to hang about the DMV offices). People yell at each other and at security guards, they cut in line and to top it all off, there was only one person accepting applications and he sounded like he had a live lobster clawing its way through his large intestine. 

After about a half-hour in line, they moved a few of us to another line where a small, efficient lady seemed to be taking care of people at three-times the speed of lobster guy. She had no quibbles with my paperwork and gave me a service ticket.

More waiting. 

My number comes up and after paying the fee I am given a temporary license - essentially a large blue sheet where the most important bits are my hack license number and the application date. The lady takes my drivers license sends me to get my picture taken.

More waiting.

My name is called out by a lady with an orthopaedic cast on one leg, or it could be elephantiasis, I can't tell which. She has managed to get a stretchy pant leg over it. She is very sweet and talks to me like I'm a three-year-old. She takes my picture and asks me if it looks okay to me. I can barely make out my face. I tell her it's perfect. She hands me my drivers license and tells me I'm done.

My daughter is relieved until I tell her that I have 15 minutes to make it to the piss test three blocks away. I make her speed-hobble all the way, only to discover that they aren't accepting any more pissers that day. 

My daughter gives me a dirty look. It is very good. She must practice.

After you get your temporary license you have three months to fulfill the remaining requirements. There are only three - 

• The piss test
• The mandatory classroom course 
• The TLC exam

The Temporary Hack License

The temporary hack license has your hack license number. If you successfully complete the process, this will be your permanent hack number. Your piss tests, your mandatory training and your exam are all linked to this number. 

If you fail to fulfill the requirements within ninety days, you have to start the whole process over and you will be assigned a new hack license number. 

You are allowed to take the TLC exam twice. If you fail to pass both times, you start the whole process over again with a new hack number.

You are not allowed to drive a cab with a temporary hack license.

The Piss Test

As a new applicant, you can only take a drug test at one location, the Labcorp nearest the TLC on the corner of 47th Ave and 31st St. (There's one in Staten Island too, but we don't care about that). If you apply for your license early enough in the day you can get your piss test the same day. Otherwise you have to go all the way back. 

You can get your piss test any time during the three months that your temporary license is valid, but you should just cross it off your list. If you forget to take the drug test and you fulfill the remainder of your requirements, TLC will make you go through the application process again and you'll have to take the classes and the exams again.

The piss test costs $26.